Sometimes you find yourself in a situation so odd, so unbelievable, so gosh-darn European, that you just have to hold on, wonder at the things happening around you, and hope you'll make it out with your dignity intact.
Such were my thoughts as Hannah and I sat stark naked with 40 strangers in a sauna, watching the "sauna master" re-enact a helicopter crash, in an artistic performance known as aufguss.
My path to this situation was more-or-less uneventful. Pete's school generously took all the kids to the Belgian coast for a week of activities and, because we knew we'd worry about him so much, Hannah booked us into a nearby spa for a couple of days. You know, for our own mental wellbeing.
The place is HUGE, and handily divided into clothed and unclothed sections. I threw off my garments, together with my English prudishness from a lifetime watching Benny Hill and Carry On films, and was soon soaking in salt pools and steaming in hammams without a stitch on, and very happy about it.
The place also has saunas - many, many saunas - starting with the "light" 60C of the Bio Sauna, through the 60-80C of the wood-fired Maa Sauna, up to the 90C Finnish Sauna ("not to be missed" says the website, massively overestimating my weak British constitution).
Most intriguing was the Event Sauna (80C/175F), a space that claimed it could accommodate 130 sweaty people along both sides of its central plinth of hot rocks. We poked our noses in, and it was indeed very large and empty, but what kinds of events took place here?
The mind did not have to boggle long as we soon spotted a timetable listing a "theme sauna" in 10 minutes, so went to join a (clothed in swimsuits) queue to see what was happening. A helpful lady explained everything to the crowd in Dutch and French, which meant I understood nothing, and soon we were ushered onto the scorching wooden benches.
The doors closed, the lights dimmed, soft music began playing, and as if by magic the aufgussmeister appeared. He ceremoniously ladled water onto the hot rocks, then dropped on some ice balls infused with various things like eucalyptus and lime. After these began to melt he grabbed a towel and started swinging it around, spreading the smells and pulling the hot air down from the ceiling onto those of us who sensibly sat on the lower, cooler tiers.
This happened two more times with different smells, with the sauna master grabbing a huge fan out of somewhere to do the towel's work. Just as I thought I might dissolve in my own sweat, the doors were opened for a blast of wonderful cold air, before being shut for the finale: tons of superheated humid air, wafted around to Phil Collins's "In The Air Tonight".
It was quite something, I reflected as I reclined in a swimming pool, attempting to get my body temperature back within operable limits. There were signs around advertising the Belgian Aufguss Championships, happening this weekend, and that some competitors were dress-rehearsing their sauna mastery that afternoon. "Let's do it!" said my always-more-adventurous wife.
So, a few hours later, we were back for our second ever aufguss. This one was different from the start. Firstly, we were all naked. Well, almost. I observed there's such a thing as a sauna hat, which protects your head from the heat (the rest of your body is unimportant) and now I need one so people look at me and think "Wow, that guy knows how to sauna!" Secondly, there were flags and banners hanging in the sauna of a helicopter crew, and something about coastguard rescue. Finally, there was the mild smell of motor oil in the air.
Once again, the lights dimmed and the sauna master arrived - not in a towel like the previous guy, but dressed in a helicopter flight suit. Including boots!! No standard aufguss this, it was a full-on one-man show. Flashing lights, sound effects, fake radio messages in-between the music tracks, all while ladling water and aromatherapy ice onto the rocks as we sat shoulder-to-shoulder naked and perspiring profusely. The story he was telling, as far as I could make out, was about a helicopter crash that made him resign his commission, before he was invited back to command the coast guard unit. All through the medium of sauna.
It was...is impressive the word? This man could swing two towels at once, like those pizza chefs do with their dough. He spoke dramatically, he emoted furiously, and it all finished with "Survivor" by Destiny's Child pumping over the sauna speakers. Subtle? No. After the performance he was outside, flight suit stripped off and chugging water. He looked rather cooked.
Having dunked a bucket of cold water over myself, I once again floated in a salt pool, untethered from gravity and possibly sanity, trying to find the correct space in my mind to file away "naked helicopter crash sauna aromatherapy experience". Nope, I had nothing, so started a new folder titled "aufguss" and locked the memory in there, ready to pull out when someone asks "So what did you get up to in Belgium?"
[Note: sadly, naked spas do not allow photography, even when I demanded "Do you know who I am?!" Please accept these stock images.]
The Event Sauna. It was certainly that.
The heart of aufguss: wooden ladles and aromatherapy ice balls.
Much towel swinging.
Sauna hats!
Less accomplished sauna masters may use a fan. Multiple sizes available.
Or a flag. Also: a sauna with a throne! When can we book in?
