I don't begrudge Hannah any of this, of course, and to prove it I spent the weekend driving her around maternity consignment stores in the South Bay. A consignment store is like a thrift store except without the good cause - they sell stuff on your behalf and give you the money. Of course, increasing your own wealth is the good cause in a capitalist economy, but enough about my ethical socialist principles.
What's good about these maternity stores is that they tend to feature lots of baby stuff too, and because they have slightly higher standards than charity shops you find weird and wonderful things that prospective parents bought and then never used. Now they've passed them on for other new parents to redundantly buy, but at a lower price. All this baby hardware, the preserve of the father-provider-protector, serves to keep me and others of my gender well entertained, although no one has yet made the obvious step of attaching a maternity store to a bar.
Things have come a long way since I was wrapped in a safety-pinned rag, the only entertainment the sound of my own crying.* First up was Cheer for Me! Potty, a miniature commode that says affirming things like "way to go", and claims to offer "realistic toilet elements mixed with fun rewards and encouragement". Presumably the boy version gives you bonus points for putting the seat down after. There's even an upgrade available in case your craving for the smell of urine isn't satisfied by the time they're trained.
Other products ranged from the practical-but-questionable (the Babykeeper - a harness that lets you hang your baby on a wall) to the annoying (the iTummy - "Welcome to the Musical Womb") and the exclusive (have your baby's first shoes cast in bronze! Hard wearing, yes, but probably uncomfortable for the newborn). My best find was the breast-shaped bottle! Fill one of those with beer and one of my greatest dreams would have just come true.
Needless to say we didn't actually buy any of this stuff but it's comforting to know that when our parenting skills fail there are plenty of things out there to fill the gap. As with all problems, infant care can be solved by throwing money at it in a comfortable cycle of retail happiness. Time to shop some more (after a beer in my new special bottle).
* In the interest of my mother ever talking to me again, this sentence is completely false. We only did that with my younger sister.
No need for encouragement with the amount I've been drinking recently.
